Lose weight without losing your mind
Lessons from toxic dating (yes, really)
1.5 min skim / 7 min read
I recently caught up with a friend who was venting about her relationship.
"I’m doing everything I can to make this work, but it still feels like I’m failing."
As she kept talking, it became clear—it wasn’t about her trying harder.
The relationship itself was toxic.
No matter how much effort she put in, it was never going to thrive in its current conditions.
Similarly, that's exactly what happens when you try to force weight loss in the wrong conditions—using shame, extreme diets, or punishing workouts.
It’s not that you’re not trying hard enough. It’s that the conditions need to change.
So in today's email, I’ll show you how to lose weight without losing your mind.
Think about a vibrant sunflower: 🌻
To grow, sunflowers need direct sunlight and well-drained soil.
Now imagine trying to grow that same sunflower… in the wrong conditions.
Instead of rich, healthy soil, you plant it in dry gravel.
Instead of sunlight, you put it in total darkness.
Would the sunflower bloom? Of course not.
Even if you try to force the sunflower to bloom… it’s not gonna bloom in the wrong environment.
But not because there was anything wrong with the sunflower. But because the conditions weren’t right.
Weight loss is the same.
The secret to sustainable weight loss is about setting the right conditions.
Why? You can obsess over every calorie and every workout rep, but if the underlying conditions aren’t right, none of that will matter because you're not set up for lasting change.
I’ve identified four key conditions that help you lose weight without obsession, guilt, or burnout.
Think of it this way: if your health were a person, these conditions would be their core personality traits.
And when you embody these traits, weight loss stops feeling like a struggle.
So let’s break down the four key conditions of a healthy weight loss journey.
I'll compare these conditions to toxic relationship dynamics to help you understand why they matter.
Disclaimer: The characters and events in these comparisons are fictional. Any resemblance to former dating partners is purely... coincidental 😇
1️⃣ Observant, but Not Obsessive
🚩 The Toxic Relationship Example:
Imagine dating someone who checks your phone every hour, demands to know where you are, and overanalyzes every text message.
If you don’t respond immediately, they assume something’s wrong.
If you say something slightly off, they replay it over and over, wondering what it means.
They’re so focused on controlling every detail that they miss the joy of simply being with you.
🙅🏻♀️ This is what happens when you obsess over food.
You track every single calorie to the point where eating feels exhausting.
You overthink every meal choice, worrying about whether it’s “bad.”
You constantly step on the scale, letting it dictate your mood for the day.
✅ The Healthy Relationship Example:
Now, imagine a partner who checks in on you without smothering you.
They notice when you seem stressed and ask, "Hey, you okay?"
But they don’t demand updates every five minutes.
They trust that your connection is strong enough without constant monitoring.
🙆🏻♀️ This is what a healthy relationship with food looks like.
You check in with your hunger instead of tracking every calorie.
You notice when certain foods make you feel good (or sluggish), but don’t obsess.
You trust your body to find balance over time.
💡 Takeaway: Be observant of your eating habits, but not obsessive. You want to be mindful and have a healthy awareness, without micromanaging everything.
2️⃣ Disciplined, but Easy-Going
🚩 The Toxic Relationship Example:
Imagine you have a partner who insists on date night every Friday at 7:00 PM sharp.
If you’re five minutes late, they get upset.
If you ask to reschedule because you’re exhausted from work, they take it personally.
If plans don’t go exactly as expected, they act like the entire relationship is falling apart.
🙅🏻♀️ This is what happens when you have an all-or-nothing mindset with your health.
You follow a strict workout plan, but if you miss a session, you feel like a failure.
You eat "clean" all week, but one indulgence makes you spiral into guilt.
If you can’t do it perfectly, you quit altogether.
✅ The Healthy Relationship Example:
Now, imagine a partner who’s reliable, but flexible.
They still make time for you regularly because they value your relationship.
But if something comes up—maybe you’re sick or your manager asked you to stay late—they say, "No worries. Let’s do Saturday instead."
They trust that missing one hangout doesn’t mean the relationship is over.
🙆🏻♀️ This is what a balanced approach to health looks like.
You aim to work out consistently, but if you miss a day, you don’t spiral—you just get back to it tomorrow.
You usually eat healthy, but if life happens and you order takeout, you adjust without guilt.
You stay disciplined with your goals, but don't panic when things don't go perfectly.
💡 Takeaway: Be disciplined, but easy-going. True discipline isn't about rigid rules. It's about commitment with flexibility.
3️⃣ Patient, but Persistent
🚩 The Toxic Relationship Example:
Imagine someone who wants to get married after the first date.
They rush into things, expecting deep trust and love immediately.
The moment things slow down or feel uncertain, they give up.
They want instant results, but that’s not how real relationships grow.
🙅🏻♀️ This is what happens when you expect overnight weight loss.
You try fad diets that promise results in a week—only to gain the weight back.
If the scale doesn’t move fast enough, you quit.
You feel frustrated when you don’t see immediate changes, forgetting that real transformation takes time.
✅ The Healthy Relationship Example:
Now, imagine a relationship that builds over time.
You meet someone new and enjoy getting to know them.
You invest in small, meaningful moments that strengthen the connection.
Even when things feel slow, you trust that love deepens with time.
🙆🏻♀️ This is what real health progress looks like.
You show up for yourself daily, trusting that small actions add up.
You celebrate non-scale wins—like choosing a salad instead of fries, or going for a walk instead of watching Netflix.
You don’t rush the process—because lasting results come from consistency, not speed.
💡 Takeaway: Be patient, but persistent, especially with weight loss. Sustainable weight loss, like healthy relationships, is a gradual process that takes time.
4️⃣ Intentional, but Flexible
🚩 The Toxic Relationship Example:
Imagine planning a dream vacation with your partner.
Your partner meticulously schedules every hour of every day.
But when the weather changes or a flight is delayed, they freak out because things aren’t going as planned.
Instead of enjoying the trip, they stress over the details not going perfectly.
🙅🏻♀️ This is what happens when you obsess over meal plans and routines.
You plan healthy meals, but if dinner plans change, you feel anxious.
You create the perfect workout schedule, but if you miss a workout, you feel like a failure.
Instead of adjusting, you stress over things not going exactly as planned.
✅ The Healthy Relationship Example:
Now, imagine your partner plans thoughtfully, but goes with the flow.
They book flights and hotels, but leave room for spontaneous adventures.
If it rains one day, they shift plans instead of letting it ruin the trip.
They focus on the experience, not just the itinerary.
🙆🏻♀️ This is what a flexible mindset looks like.
You aim for protein and veggies but grab a sandwich when needed—no stress.
You set a realistic workout schedule that fits your life, so missing one workout doesn’t throw everything off.
If you can’t make it to the gym, you go for a walk or stretch at home.
💡 Takeaway: Be intentional, but flexible. Planning is great, but be willing to adapt. Do your best, but live your life.
When we read about these toxic dating dynamics, it’s obvious they’re unhealthy—and we wouldn't want that in our own relationships.
Yet, when it comes to weight loss, workouts, and eating habits, we tolerate the same toxic patterns without question.
We’d never tell a friend to just "try harder" in a toxic relationship, yet we tell ourselves that with weight loss all the time.
The truth is, success isn’t just about effort—it’s about the conditions you’re operating in.
So, to recap, here's how to lose weight without losing your mind:
Instead of using shame, extreme diets, or punishing workouts—create the right conditions for success.
Again — if your health were a person, these conditions would be their core personality traits, and you want to embody these traits:
🌱 Be observant, but not obsessive
🌱 Be disciplined, but easy-going
🌱 Be patient, but persistent
🌱 Be intentional, but flexible
Hope this helps you lose weight without losing your mind.
Until next time,
Vanessa